I was told about a month ago, "What is a blog, if you can't be honest with your readers." This comment has stuck since then, and in light of the last month of 2014.
I choose to be blatantly honest.
When you are accepted into the JET program, they send you a general handbook. In the many pages, there are a series of graphs and charts that detail the "waves of culture shock." There are various versions depending on the "type," of person you are. My version cannot necessarily be mapped on a "wave graph," rather I describe my experience thus far as this metaphor:
I'm on a train. The train takes a while to get going, but finally it's up and running. Then, it breaks down. It's fixed, and begins to move again, but suddenly, out of no where, it breaks down. Once again, it's fixed a second time, but within seconds it breaks down a third time. And then, I'm stuck.
The moment I moved to Japan, I was overwhelmed with culture shock, inabilities to cope with severe isolation and working a job that I had no prior experience in. Added with the the frustration of not being able to understand anything that was going on around me due to the language barrier. Most of all, I missed so many people. I let every single one of these factors, plus many others, to make me dig a very negative hole for myself. I dug it so deep, that I worried I couldn't get out. I let these feelings overwhelm me. I took out my fears, insecurities and aches of missing everyone I loved, to turn me into a person that was not me. I had evolved into a version of myself that I hated, and most of all wanted to get rid of.
My meek train metaphor above describes my experience in Japan. I've had three major life events, that have almost consecutively occurred in recent two months of being here. All have been caused by unpredictable events that are tied to significant people in my life, and all have hit close to home. Although, not directly correlated to the country itself. These three happenings, in conjunction with all the stresses of moving and working abroad, have frankly turned the latter of 2014 into a year that has caused me to experience a type of pain and suffering I have never felt before.
No one being, can truly tell you how you're going to feel in a new place. Moving, making a change, transitioning and so on, are all parts of life that can either be the most rewarding, the most difficult, or a mix of the two. No one can warn you of what is going to happen in your life when you decide to take a leap of faith.
I recognize now, more than ever, that I do not have to deal with my train wreck on my own. It's taken me until my third breakdown, to finally: ask for help.
In a span of less than 48 hours, I have been overwhelmed with the number of phone calls, messages, video chats, and sacrifices of local ALTs have made to frankly: help me.
For me, it's something easier said, than done. Very few people knew what was going on in my life when I first moved to Japan, as paraphrased by the above paragraphs. I didn't let people know, because I am both stubborn and was trying to prove "something," to myself that I could do this. I realize now, that I can't get through any of this without help. I realize how silly I was not being honest with myself and others. I realize how my strive to handle things alone, caused me to possibly hurt and push some of my closest relationships away. Importantly, I realize how lucky I am to have people who have made sacrifices right and left to help me, notably the 90% of them being an entire Ocean away from me.
I write all of this, because a blog is supposed to be a record of an experience. Even though I, and everyone else viewing this wants to revel in all my positive and happy moments. I remember what that first person said about blogs and honesty, and I think the entirety of these raw emotions I am feeling finally need to be published in this space. I want every person who is reading this to gain a better understanding of the hardships, not to make them feel sorry, but to provide perspective.
To further emphasize my point, I write this to all my fellow patrons abroad who are making a work transition in a foreign country, it is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do. I write this also to my friends and family Stateside, who feel the same about moving to a new city or state. I write this to people who feel stuck where they are, and have no idea when their train is going to be moving again. I write this to all the future JET participants, not to scare you, but to prepare you mentally, a heads-up never hurts.
Each person's experience is completely different on JET. I believe that no one person's feelings can accurately be mapped on a chart offered in a guide book. However, what can be written in a guide book is this: Ask for help.
I have asked for help, and the results are overwhelming. By no means am I OK. In fact, I may not be OK for a long time. But, my cries for help are being met. Even as I sit alone in my apartment in my tiny countryside town, I feel incredibly loved and cared for. Most of all, I am beyond thankful. I am scared and nervous for each day here, as of late. Each day is a really scary and unknown adventure that I hope to overcome and tackle. In the moment, my train is completely at a standstill, but slowly and surely I at least am realizing it will move again - eventually.
In the meantime, my goal is to focus on each day leading up to December 19th when I will be Stateside (yes, change of plans) and in California for two solid weeks. I hope to recharge and optimistically end this horrendous period, on a good note.
To every single person who has helped me along this journey, I thank you. I know with your help, that I will get through this.
With all my heart,
Adrienne
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